Deliberate Receiving Read online

  The great news is that you don’t have to apply this just to big decisions. Even catering to yourself in small ways can make a huge difference. If you want a cup of special coffee instead of the instant crap, go and get it! If you want to buy yourself flowers, or walk home through the sunlit park, even though it takes a few extra minutes, play with the kids instead of doing the spring-cleaning, or read a book, do so. It’s time to start honouring yourself. If your friend asks you to split a pizza, but doing so means that you don’t order the pizza you really want, say no. She can take the other half home and eat it tomorrow. Or, ask her to split the pizza you want, instead. Notice how quickly she says no. When you’re used to allowing others to manipulate you, they’re used to getting what they want, and NOT used to giving you what you want. But keep this in mind: when someone implies (or states) that you are selfish for not doing what they want, what they are really saying is this: ‘What you want is not important. You should put what I want ahead of what you want, and if you don’t, you are being selfish.’ Who, exactly, is really being selfish here? If your friend insists that you split the pizza she wants, that you eat something other than what you WANT to eat just so she doesn’t have to have the inconvenience of taking home half a pizza, and considers the idea of her compromising in the same way for you unthinkable, then you’re dealing with a manipulator.

  Always remember (this is the case for any part of the Spectrum) that there are more than two options, in every case. For example, you do not need to eat the pizza she wants and she doesn’t need to eat the pizza you want. You can both order what you want and take the rest home. This is a compromise that caters to what everyone wants. If someone declines this compromise, they aren’t really interested in you being happy. Their actual goal is to get you to do what they want, so they can feel more powerful. If what they’re asking you to do is of some detriment to you, it’s actually a bit of a bonus (‘If you’re willing to suffer for me, I must really be important’).

  As you begin to validate your resentment and feel it, and as you honour yourself more and more, you may begin to experience anger. This is not always the case. Some people release huge amounts of anger, while others feel only a little bit angry. In fact, since resentment is a type of anger (a mild anger), this may be all you need. On the other hand, it’s also possible that your anger will be MUCH more volatile. This is when you’ll want to know how to have a constructive anger release.

  Now, most people alive today, especially those who like to think of themselves as spiritual or self-aware, will squash their anger response. They either don’t understand just how valuable these emotions are, and/or they’re afraid of anger. Remember that what most of us think of when we consider anger, is actually a display of repressed anger. If you feel angry, you have to be willing to sit with this emotion and express it (let it out) in a constructive way. The good news is that a properly orchestrated anger release is one of the most healing things you can ever do. This will catapult you right out of powerlessness and often even deposit you on the other side of the threshold. In other words, you’ll feel incredible.

  When you release anger destructively, it means just that: it’s destructive. You either hurt someone, something or yourself. None of those are part of the ultimate goal of feeling better. In fact, a destructive anger release always leads to greater powerlessness and a perpetuation of more anger. There is no relief. If, in your anger, you tell your mother you hate her, punch a hole in the wall, or worst of all, turn the anger inwards at yourself, you’ll end up with feelings of guilt, unworthiness, depression and, at worst, you’ll end up in jail where your powerlessness is highly amplified.

  A constructive anger release happens in a safe environment, generally alone or possibly with a trained practitioner of some kind (look for someone who can handle anger). The object of the anger (the person you’re angry at) is generally NOT present. Why not? Because the anger release isn’t about THEM. It’s about YOU and how you feel. This is why it’s not a bad thing to blame others, as long as you’re doing so constructively. When you push self-blame outwards and you blame someone else, you don’t have to do it to their face. They never even have to know that you’ve used them as an excuse to become more empowered. They don’t have to be there. This is not about what they need to hear. It’s not about getting anyone to understand how you feel. This is not about forcing others to make a change so you can feel better. Do not rail against them and demand that they stop manipulating you. This is about you not allowing yourself to be manipulated any more. When you fully embrace this new, self-empowered perspective, your reality will mirror it back to you. You’ll attract people who have no desire or need to try and control you.

  So, yes, you can rail against them, but not to their faces. It also doesn’t matter whom you’re directing your anger towards, as long as it’s not you. This can even be someone you love. I promise you, you are not harming them in any way. You can’t put the hex on them by having angry thoughts about them. Always remember that as these emotions come up to be released, they’ve been there all along. You’re not creating an emotion that wasn’t there; you’re simply allowing a toxic sludge that’s been festering inside you for quite some time to come out. Better out than in, I say.

  Keep in mind that you do not need to try and instigate anger. Some of my clients, in their enthusiasm to have a healing anger release, have tried to make themselves angry. This doesn’t really work. The key is simply to allow the anger to happen when it comes up. If it pops up at an inopportune time (like in the middle of a business meeting), make a deal with yourself to release it at the first possible opportunity. Then, as soon as you can get away to a private spot for a few minutes, do so. Or, pretend to be writing an email and write your anger out (do not put an address in the ‘To’ field. You don’t want to send it to someone accidentally). You can delete it when you’re done. Honour your deal with yourself. The more you’ve let your anger out, the less volatile it’ll become and the easier it will be to put on hold.

  Releasing anger can happen in a variety of ways, but it’s always best to express it and direct it AT someone or something. Again, the object of your anger does not have to, and actually should not, be present. Although you can pretend that they’re in the room while you yell at them. This is actually incredibly satisfying. You can also write a letter to them that you’ll never send, which will also help you to direct your fury outwards.

  Another method is to do something physical, like take a brisk walk, stamp your feet or punch some couch cushions. Physical movement gets energy flowing, which can make quick work of an anger release. Choose whatever activity you like, it really doesn’t matter as long as it works for you. I do, however, have three ironclad rules for having a constructive anger release that you should never break:

  Rule #1: Release the anger alone

  As I already said, it’s best not to have anyone present (especially not the object of your anger) during your anger release. This is for two reasons. First, you won’t shut yourself down. If you’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings, you’re not going to allow the anger release to come to its conclusion, which means you won’t actually shift much energy. Second, they won’t shut you down. Very few people are able to handle someone’s anger constructively. It makes them uncomfortable. Often, people will shut down your anger by getting even angrier than you. They’ll bully you into submission. Or, they may guilt you into stopping. In order to have a full anger release you have to keep going until you simply don’t feel angry any more. You’ll feel tired and spent (or possibly euphoric, although that usually comes later), but you won’t feel angry any more. This is not the same as letting off a little steam. Other people get in the way of a constructive anger release.

  Rule #2: Don’t censor what comes out

  This is where the emotional poop metaphor comes in handy. If toxins have been festering inside you for ages they will not look or smell great as they come out. That doesn’t mean you should keep them in. When you
have a long overdue anger release, what comes out of you will not be pretty. You will say mean and hateful things. You might even curse like a sailor (this is highly recommended, actually, especially if you don’t normally curse). DO NOT censor yourself. Remember, no one ever has to know. But you have to be willing to express how you truly feel, so that you can get it out of you and move on. You have to be honest. Also remember that this is not an all or nothing game. You can love someone and still hate them in the moment. Being angry with someone doesn’t mean that you no longer care about them. But using the fact that you love them as an excuse not to acknowledge how you feel will keep you stuck in powerlessness. No one that truly loves you would ever ask you to do that.

  Rule #3: Get angry with anyone or anything EXCEPT yourself

  And finally, never, EVER get angry with yourself. You can get mad at anyone or anything, but never direct the anger inwards. This will drag you right back down to SHAME or even DEPRESSION. This is the main reason that people never move past SHAME. They feel themselves naturally move into anger, but won’t allow it. They shut it down by directing the anger towards themselves, moving back into self-blame, and getting stuck in a never-ending cycle of SHAME to ANGER and back to SHAME – a cycle of doom. If you don’t want to get stuck there, make sure to direct your anger outwards.

  After an anger release, especially if you’ve had a volatile one (lots of crying, yelling, etc.) you’ll feel immediate relief. You may feel a bit tired, as I said, but you will feel better. Over the course of the next day or two, you may experience some after-shocks. You may feel the need to cry or take a nap, or sleep more. If that comes up, honour how you feel and let the tears flow, take the nap, sleep as much as you need. Not everyone has this experience, but many do. Most people also experience a period of absolute elation sometime after an anger release, some even on the same day. This euphoria is an indicator of the new, higher vibration you’ve moved into. As you acclimatize to that new vibration, it won’t feel quite the same (things will normalize), but you’ll continue to feel better.

  Will you have to have a huge anger release? This is impossible to say. You may; you may not. This will vary from person to person and from issue to issue. You may release a lot of anger on one issue and seemingly skip right over it on another (you will not skip it, you will just move through it very quickly). The point to remember is this: if anger comes up as a result of focusing on what you want, just like any other emotion, engage with it, let it flow through you and out, and be done with it. Let the emotions do their job.

  Moving from ANGER to FRUSTRATION

  There really aren’t any specific techniques for moving from ANGER to FRUSTRATION, other than to honour your emotions and allow them. Frustration seems to be something we dip down into, not something we move up into. Let me explain. When you move out of ANGER, you generally do so in, at least, a somewhat explosive way. This means that you’ve unblocked a large amount of energy and have shot forward very quickly, like water rushing forth from a burst dam. I have never once had to coach anyone from ANGER into FRUSTRATION.

  Moving from FRUSTRATION to HOPE

  If you find yourself in FRUSTRATION, however, there are techniques that will help you to move higher. Remember that FRUSTRATION is the group just below the threshold, which means this shift is about moving from powerlessness into empowerment, from being negatively focused to being positively focused. And this is the key to moving out of FRUSTRATION. In FRUSTRATION, you believe, at least to some degree, that you can and should get what you want, you’re just not yet sure that you actually will.

  Frustration is also a sign that you’re trying to take action too soon. Instead of waiting for the manifestation of action (a stage 5 manifestation), you’re trying to make something happen. You’re pushing. Frustration is a sign of impatience. Never take action in a state of frustration, if you can help it. Take the time to align your energy first.

  When you’re frustrated, back off. Focus on what you want and let the evidence that supports the belief you want to hold come to you. Let the thoughts and ideas and synchronicities show you that you’re on your way. Soothe the idea that it might not happen, by asking ‘what if it does happen?’ Shifting out of FRUSTRATION is not difficult. At this point, you have very little resistance to what you want. You’re about to cross the threshold, which is why frustration often feels like pressure. You can feel the other side is close, just out of reach. Remember that this is a natural progression, so if you relax and let go of any need to control how things have to come about, you’ll simply be carried across.

  At this point of the Spectrum, you can also begin using the simple but incredibly powerful technique that I call ‘poke and run’, of which you’ll find a full description in Appendix II.

  Moving from HOPE to ENTHUSIASM

  The main difference between the HOPE and ENTHUSIASM groups is positive expectation. In HOPE, you’re positively focused, but you’re not yet sure if you’ll get what you want. In ENTHUSIASM, you’re totally expecting to get what you want. The one danger in expectation is that you might tend to get too specific, which is a type of controlling behaviour and stems from a lack of trust in the positive. In other words, if you don’t fully trust that you will get what you want, you might be tempted to get in there and make it happen. If you do fully trust it, you’ll let go and let it happen.

  Moving from ENTHUSIASM to JOY

  And that’s also the key for moving from ENTHUSIASM into JOY – the enhanced ability to trust fully that everything will work out for you in the best possible way. In JOY, you don’t need to know exactly how things will show up; you just trust them to do so. My mantra for the last couple of years has been: ‘I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I know it will be awesome!’

  Saying this puts me in a state of general positive expectation and trust that things will just be, well, awesome. And you know what? They always are.

  Putting it all together

  Now that you know how to move up the Spectrum incrementally, let’s apply all of this knowledge to our example of the sucky job. When we last left the story, you had accessed the memory of your brother destroying your diorama, and your parents doing nothing about it. You realized that you were actually afraid that your colleagues today would somehow damage your career, but this realization didn’t bring a shift. So, you have to delve deeper.

  The emotion you’re feeling is fear, which is another name for severe insecurity, and can reside in either the SHAME or DEPRESSION groups. Since you’re feeling some anger, you know that you’re actually being pulled from the SHAME into the ANGER group, which is a really good sign. Your next step would be to express that anger, perhaps by stepping into the memory and pretending that you are the age you were then, and are able to yell at your brother and even parents in a way that you couldn’t, back then. Give your anger a voice. Cuss them out. You could also do this exercise with your co-workers (pretend they are in the room with you), but it’s often easier to work with the memory that presented itself. Just remember not to stop until you feel well and truly done.

  After expressing and releasing your anger, you’ll have a whole new vibration. If you’ve had a big release, take a break, possibly for a few days. When you feel inspired to, go back to the whole job situation and start over from the beginning to let the next piece of resistance come up. Rinse and repeat.

  What to expect after a big release

  We’ve talked a lot about releasing resistance, and I realize that aside from what I wrote about moving from SHAME into ANGER, I haven’t really described what it feels like to shift energy. The truth is that it’s usually quite obvious, unless you’re stuck in the numbness that comes from repressed anger. Most people, unless they are totally numb, feel some kind of physical release, like a whoosh in their stomach, a tingling, and a palpable sense of relief. Larger releases of energy will be accompanied by a ‘purge’, a physical release of some kind, like crying, yawning very deeply, sensations of energy running through your body an
d, in more severe cases, diarrhoea and vomiting (although these usually go along with quantum leaps, NOT the techniques I’ve presented here).

  I’ve already mentioned the aftershocks that often happen after a large shift, such as the ones that accompany a large anger release. But it’s also possible to experience physical symptoms, such as a sore throat, flu-like symptoms or aches and pains. If this happens, DO NOT panic. Understand that as manifestations progress, they become more and more physical. This means that as you hold on to resistance, which literally blocks your energy from flowing freely, it will begin to manifest physically, including within your body. When you’re stressed out, for example, your body goes through damaging biomedical changes. Your emotions affect your health and often in ways you were never aware of. When you shift the blockage, the energy flows and the body can repair itself. This is when you’ll experience symptoms. They are nothing to be afraid of; you’re actually healing. If you know that you had an energy release yesterday and you have a runny nose today, there should be no great mystery as to where it came from. Simply see it as evidence that your physical body is now coming into resonance with your new, successfully acquired vibration.