Deliberate Receiving Read online

  Moving from DEPRESSION to SHAME

  Remember that being in the DEPRESSION group represents total powerlessness, the feeling of lying in the alley and simply allowing the hoodlums to beat you up, while in SHAME you bargain for your safety by appeasing others with service. Most of the time, moving from a lower emotion to a higher one will entail taking on at least some of the beliefs of the higher one (temporarily). If you’re in the upper register of DEPRESSION, service to others can actually bring a great deal of relief. However, the truly depressed person (in the lower end of the DEPRESSION Spectrum) will not be capable of really acting this out. Mind you, service to others isn’t an activity that’s exclusively performed by those in the SHAME group. Specific activities are not associated with certain parts of the Spectrum. It is the attitude with which one performs those activities that counts (the feeling you have while you do it). So, you can help others while sad, or guilty or angry or hopeful or ecstatically happy.

  If you’re not severely depressed, it can be really beneficial to go and help a friend or do some charity work. Sit with this idea and see if it appeals to you. Helping someone else doesn’t have to be done in person, although that can be more powerful. And you don’t have to limit your altruistic activities to humans. In fact, spending time with animals, while beneficial for any part of the Spectrum, is MOST helpful for those who are depressed. The idea is to bring your focus outwards, but in a positive way. The belief system that causes depression depends on the idea that the world is a painful, dangerous and hostile place where bad things are guaranteed to happen. In fact, since beliefs are always black and white, all or nothing, the irrational conclusion underlying this belief is that ONLY bad things happen. Again, remember that what you logically know to be true has nothing to do with what limiting beliefs you are holding on to. So, you can rationally know that the world is not just made up of evil bastards and yet, deep down, still believe that only pain awaits you. In fact, your mind, filtering out everything that doesn’t match this belief, will be very adept at justifying why the good that is clearly in the world will never touch your reality.

  As you help others, make sure that you actually get to see the benefit you’re providing (you’ll want to make sure you actually see the smiling faces, or read the glowing feedback, for example). This might be uncomfortable, since someone being grateful to you will directly defy your belief. What you are doing is gathering evidence from your current reality that contradicts your belief. Instead of simply focusing on a better-feeling frequency in your mind, you’re looking for evidence, no matter how small, that supports the frequency you want to activate. When you have some physical evidence to focus on, it’ll make it easier for you to keep on activating that new frequency.

  You may have noticed that helping others is a type of action, so I’d better explain why I’m advising that when I made such a big deal of not working in the action stage. I am not advocating taking action to change your reality (as in, trying to force others to treat you differently), but rather action designed to bring you evidence that contradicts your current beliefs. This is a valid technique, but ONLY if,

  The action you’re taking belongs to the next emotional group in the Spectrum; and

  It feels at least a little bit good to you when you think about it.

  Never take action that doesn’t feel good, and never take action to try and change your physical reality. Take action that’s positively inspired, or take action by exposing yourself to an environment or evidence that feels better (going on a beach holiday is this type of action). Keep in mind that you still have to be willing to engage with those better feelings, focus on them, and accept them as real or, just like that beach holiday, the effects will be temporary at best.

  For those who are severely depressed, or for those to whom the idea of helping others doesn’t appeal, trying to help others won’t work. And while I realize that the advice I’m about to give may seem a bit unconventional, it does actually work, when applied correctly.

  The key to moving out of any emotion is allowing yourself to feel that emotion without demonizing it.

  Instead of running away from it and suppressing it, step into it. Surrender to it. Give yourself full and total permission to be depressed, to be sad or to do whatever feels best. Indulge the emotion. People are so incredibly afraid of doing this, because they think they’ll get stuck in the emotion (i.e. ‘If I allow myself to be depressed, I’ll be depressed forever’). But this isn’t how it works. It’s the repression of the emotion that actually keeps us stuck. This is true for any emotion, by the way.

  Since depression and the less severe forms of sadness are on the lowest part of the Spectrum, the repression of emotions has generally gone on for a long time. This means, there will be a lot of sadness that needs to come out before you can truly feel better. This can also lead those who are indulging in the sadness to freak out. They think that any technique they use should make them feel better instantly; they’re looking for a quick fix. And when allowing the emotion to flow out doesn’t immediately relieve all the pressure, they again become convinced that they’ll stay there forever. This is the biggest obstacle I’ve found when dealing with sadness. Well, that and well-meaning friends and family who try to cheer the depressed person up, so that they (the family and friends) can feel better, since looking at a depressed individual isn’t fun. This is actually a type of manipulation. You do not owe it to anyone to feel better, to go out of the house when you don’t want to, to engage in activities that make you uncomfortable, or to do anything that doesn’t bring relief. Do your own thing.

  There’s actually a lot of relief in allowing yourself simply to feel what you’re feeling, even when it’s sadness. It feels good to lie in bed all day and not feel guilty about it. It feels good to cry, without constantly berating yourself for it. The choice at this point is not between these activities and going out and living a productive, happy life. The choice is between lying in bed and hating yourself or lying in bed and being OK with it. The choice is between crying and thinking it’s wrong or crying and thinking it’s fine. The first choice should always be to feel your emotions fully, without judgement of any kind. Let it be OK that you’re feeling what you’re feeling. You can’t really change it in that moment anyway (the feeling is a response, one you have to acknowledge before it will change).

  Remember that by feeling your emotions, you’re opening the door and allowing the message to be delivered. By beating yourself up for your emotions, you’re just slamming that door shut.

  When someone is depressed I also generally advise that they do their best to stay away from trying to do too much intellectual work, as this can become a distraction. You do not need to understand the emotion you’re feeling in order to receive its message. It can be helpful for many people to gain this understanding, but it’s not necessary. If you’re stuck in depression, stay away from affirmations and trying to figure out what happened in your childhood that messed you up so badly. You can let memories come up (don’t push anything away), but do your best simply to experience and observe. Don’t try to figure it out intellectually.

  Suggestions for moving out of DEPRESSION

  Do as much purely vibrational work as possible, along with simply indulging in your feelings without judgement (the no judgement part cannot be stressed enough).

  Spend time in nature (this is true for any part of the Spectrum). Don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything; just sit outside and let it work on you. Nature has a high, steady vibration, which can influence you (if you let it) into a better-feeling state. You can meditate if you like, or just sit under a tree for an hour or so. If you’d like to learn more about meditation, I’ve added a description and explanation in Appendix II.

  Spend time with animals (again, you don’t have to do anything, if you don’t want to, just sit with them).

  Get lots of sleep because your vibration naturally rises when you rest.

  Spend time alone, as other people can be a
part of the problem if they judge you and are constantly trying to change or manipulate you. Be very selective about who you spend time with (only those who are supportive and accepting of you).

  Stop watching TV or anything else that’s negative.

  Bombard yourself with soothing music and images.

  Do your best to tend to your own needs as much as possible; and if you’re at all up for it, do reach out for professional help (but again, be selective).

  Depression causes us to withdraw, and there’s a good reason for this. If the world is a hostile place, it makes sense to seek the safety of solitude. This is why when we’re depressed, we stop engaging. The more depressed you are, the less you’ll want to subject yourself to other people. And that’s OK. Give yourself permission to do what feels like relief. But notice that I also recommend that you withdraw from any negative stimulus, like TV and scary books and music that talks about how everything sucks. No, you don’t have to surround yourself with rainbows and sunshine (that would just make you want to puke), but you can aim for neutral, non-negative (instead of positive) input. So, instead of reading articles about how the world is ending, read some about solutions that are being proposed, and do your best to consider at least the possibility that these solutions will be implemented. Or, better yet, look at funny cat pictures on the Internet for a while.

  Moving out of the DEPRESSION group for good can take time, in fact, more time than any other shift. This doesn’t mean it has to take years, but think in terms of months (even one month is often enough, but please don’t put any time pressure on yourself) instead of days or a couple of weeks, if you’ve been stuck in severe depression for a long time. It’s not always going to be easy. You’ve repressed a lot of emotions, which means you have a lot of messages to receive. If you’re merely experiencing sadness, this shift will be much, much faster. But in either case, you’ll need to feel your emotions for much longer than a couple of minutes. It’s not uncommon to spend several hours a day crying, over the course of several weeks. This might sound like a nightmare, but compared to feeling that way anyway for months and years while beating yourself up, it’s actually not a bad deal. Keep feeling your feelings without judgement, surrender to the process, and you WILL begin to feel better.

  Just about all the tools that will move you out of the DEPRESSION group can be applied to any other group in the Spectrum (actually most of the tools in one group can be applied to the groups above it, but not usually to groups below it). It’s always a good idea to:

  Deliberately limit the negative input in your life.

  Go into nature.

  Help others.

  Spend time with animals. And it’s also always a good idea to:

  Indulge your emotions without judgement; in fact, that one’s a requirement for any shift you want to make.

  These kinds of activities are designed to exclude the logical mind as much as possible. The lower you are on the Spectrum, the more the mind will try to interfere, so specifically focused techniques don’t tend to work here. These general tools are gentle ways to shift your vibration without triggering your resistance. They have the ability to bring about change when nothing else can.

  Moving from SHAME to ANGER

  We’re going to be spending quite a bit of time on the shame group, since it’s so prevalent in our society. Remember that this group includes guilt, unworthiness and self-blame, which are all emotions that depend on the premise that we are bad, have done bad things and it’s all our fault. Most modern religions have done a great job of both perpetuating and indoctrinating this belief. So, even if you’re not a person that’s predominantly stuck in SHAME, you will almost certainly be dipping into this group on certain subjects from time to time.

  If you’re moving out of DEPRESSION into SHAME, you may not necessarily notice a huge difference – both feel pretty lousy. However, in DEPRESSION, we are focused solely on the self (a withdrawal from the outside world), while in SHAME we are focused more on others (but not in a healthy, balanced way). A person in the SHAME group will engage much more with others and will have a better sense of control (they gain control by appeasing others). The further up the SHAME Spectrum we go, the closer we get to ANGER. Remember that in SHAME, we do our best to serve others, even to our own detriment, in order to appease them and garner a sense of safety for ourselves (such as running errands for the hoodlums so they won’t beat us up so much). The emotion that signals that we’re about to move out of SHAME and into ANGER (the next group up) is resentment. When we become resentful, it always means we’re giving more than we want to, we’re helping others at a cost to ourselves (which is what we do in SHAME), and we’re getting sick of it. So, the key to moving out of SHAME and into ANGER is to validate this resentment.

  You are not responsible for other people’s lives, never mind their happiness. In fact, did you know that you’re not even able to make them happy? No one can manifest in the reality of someone else. Ever.

  Let’s take a look at the type of people the SHAME group/vibration will attract as a mirror. When you are in SHAME – when you are trying to appease others so that you can feel safe, when you allow others to control and manipulate you in exchange for a little security – you must manifest those who are willing to control and manipulate. In other words, you have to attract someone who gets their sense of power from controlling others, someone from the upper echelons of the SHAME or ANGER groups. These are individuals who still feel powerless (you don’t need to have power over others when you feel powerful), but aren’t willing to appease any more. They want to actively manipulate. The more they can get others to do something for them, especially something that the other person doesn’t really want to do, the more powerful they feel. This is the ‘if you really love me, you’ll do this for me’ syndrome. These people are often masters at inducing guilt, of making you feel like you’re the most awful person in the world, if you don’t do this tiny, insignificant but incredibly inconvenient (for you) thing for them. Keep in mind that these people are only one step up (if that) from the SHAME group, and they often span both groups, meaning that manipulative people often also feel guilty. They’re attempting to move out of the feeling of powerlessness and being manipulated by others by becoming the manipulators instead. Don’t worry, you won’t have to become a douche in order to move out of SHAME. I’m simply explaining the defensive mechanisms that people attempting to move from SHAME into ANGER usually employ. There’s a way to do this much more constructively.

  When you cater to these manipulative individuals, you are not helping them to shift their energy upwards. What you are really doing is helping to keep them stuck. You see, manipulating others might make them temporarily feel a bit more powerful, but power that’s derived from others isn’t real power. Real power comes from within. Manipulation is like a painkiller, at best, and when you just keep taking a painkiller to numb the pain, you never get to the root cause and so you never heal. The only way a manipulator will stop manipulating and actually look at what’s really bothering them will be if their tactics no longer work. In this way, your willingness to cater to their manipulations is only enabling them to stay in denial. This is like giving drugs to someone addicted to heroin, out of the goodness of your heart. Sure, it’ll make him feel better for a day, but he’ll be right back here tomorrow. Nothing will have actually changed. If you want to do good in this world, stop sacrificing yourself in order to get them to stop complaining for a few minutes (at best).

  You are not being a bad person if you decide to engage in self-care.

  Remember that self-care is not the same as selfishness. When you stop catering to others over your own needs, you are not abandoning them, bleeding and beaten, in the desert. You’re not leaving them to die. You’re simply allowing them to take care of themselves, so you can take care of yourself, as opposed to you taking care of them, while they do nothing and NO ONE takes care of you.

  When you find yourself getting resentful, and you will (this p
rocess happens naturally, remember, our job is just to get out of the way), validate that feeling. Don’t suppress it as something that’s not virtuous. Being resentful is a good thing, because it’s showing you that you’re ready to step more fully into your power. You’re being pulled up the Spectrum. But you have to ask yourself, are you willing to go? Are you willing to feel better? If you sit with the resentment and feel it, you’ll move up into the ANGER group, which has the power to move you once and for all out of powerlessness.

  Once again, expressing your feelings in words or writing can be incredibly helpful. Talk about how resentful you are; let it out somehow. The key, especially in this part of the Spectrum, is to push everything OUT. The tendency is to keep focusing inwards, back into self-blame, but this will move you down the Spectrum, back into total powerlessness. The goal is to allow the energy to flow out of you. Think of it like an emotional detox. If you did a physical cleanse, you’d be going to the bathroom a lot. You’d be pooping and peeing and sweating the toxins out of your body. Now, imagine that you’re grossed out by poop and you decide that you’re going to suppress it. It wouldn’t take you long to become really uncomfortable. Your emotional poop is backed up and needs to come out. Let it.

  As you give in to resentment, you’re going to notice that you’re sick and tired of catering to others in whatever way you’ve been doing so. The way out is to stop doing those things. Stop giving more than you want to, even if that means that you stop giving altogether (you will not stop doing so forever, I promise. As you do this work, you’ll move towards a much healthier way of giving, which will not deplete you. But you have to be willing to go through this phase to get there). Ask yourself what it is that you want to do, and do that. This will be surprisingly difficult for many of you, given that you may never have asked yourself that question. Asking yourself what you want presupposes that what you want is important, and that you can (and should!) even honour it. People stuck firmly in SHAME won’t consider this a valid perspective. What they want doesn’t matter. But as you move into more empowerment, what you want will become more and more important, and this is the stage at which you start paying attention to it.